15 May, 2025

This question has troubled many of my clients over the years. They come to therapy caught between society’s pressure to "just forgive and move on" and their own resistance to this idea.

What I've discovered through working with these clients of parents that act in childish ways, is that genuine healing doesn't actually require forgiveness. This realisation has been transformative for many people in my practice.

When their friends or family tell my clients they need to forgive parents who caused significant pain—especially parents who haven't apologised or shown any remorse—they place an unfair burden on already troubled shoulders. It's often impossible.

The truth about forgiveness is that we don't always have direct control over it. For some of my clients, it eventually comes like grace, changing how they feel unexpectedly. But here's what's been liberating for so many: they don't need to control forgiveness to heal.

Real healing happens when my clients stop being obsessed with what their parents did or didn't do. I've seen that obsession often stems from difficulty facing the emotional impact of their past. Many find that holding onto anger feels safer than being vulnerable with their hurt.

In our work together, healing comes through processing these emotions until they feel resolved internally. It means remembering, feeling, and working through the hurt rather than burying it. Most importantly, it's about reconnecting with their true selves—understanding who they are, accepting themselves fully, and no longer suppressing their needs to please others.

Something remarkable happens when my clients reconnect with themselves—the emotional grip their parents have on them loosens. Their relationships shift because how they feel toward their parents is their end of the relationship, and that can transform as they become freer within themselves.

I always reassure those I work with that it's completely okay if they cannot forgive right now. Forgiveness might come someday, but it's not a prerequisite for healing. For some, based on their experiences, forgiveness may be nearly impossible, and it's unfair to make it a condition for feeling whole again.

Healing isn't about forgiveness—it's about resolving the emotional impact and reclaiming one's authentic self, regardless of whether forgiveness is ever achieved.

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